My transition from conventional to a D/s relationship was not always easy. With each "problem" came yet another growth period and greater understanding of who/what i am. i've always been able to hold my own in social and professional situations. When it came to my love life, something was missing. With the help of the Internet, i found was that i am is a submissive woman.
My relationship with the man who would become my Master began conventionally. After i mustered up enough courage to tell him what i had discovered about myself, he just smiled and told me he already knew i was submissive and was just waiting for me to realize it!
In order for me to understand what it is to be a strong person, i had to live on my own and be self-supporting for a year. i had to prove that what i wanted was real and not some passing fancy. i would be responsible for paying my own bills but allowing my Master to control what i did. He would be able to review what bills i had, when and how much was paid on each one. This effectively ended my spur of the moment shopping sprees, something i really liked to do. Now my shopping is more deliberate and planned out. i choose items that have the best value. Most important, i stop and ask myself "Do i really need this or do i just want it?" These days i seldom go shopping alone. Anything "extra" i want/need i must ask for in a quiet, respectful manner. He may buy it, he may not... it's difficult not to beg for it sometimes!
i had to learn to trust my Master. He told me when he put his collar on me that he would always take care of me. He has done that and much, much more. i trust this man with my life, and more importantly, my heart and soul. My Master was frequently out of town on business during that year. It would have been easy to slack off on what instructions he had left me, and he probably would not have known if i had. My conscience would not allow me to do it, and it was a struggle at times. i would write page after page in my journal, exploring my feelings and trying to figure out why i even considered willful disobedience.
The feeling of wanting to do things "my" way would pass after i wrote about it. To this day, writing is the way a problem defuses itself and helps me to better understand what i'm feeling. It also helps me when i have to speak with my Master about it. My thoughts are sorted out and i can explain myself more clearly.
My days are more planned out now. There is "idle" time, of course, but even when the TV is on, i'm doing something. Cleaning, straightening up the house, laundry, preparing meals or sewing. i used to just "veg" in from of the tube, now it's a thing of the past. i spend very little time online, usually just staying on long enough to download my mail to read and answer later in the day. i used to spend hours each day online. At first it was hard to give up, but i really don't miss it that much. And the house is much cleaner than before!! Sewing is one of my passions and i'm permitted to indulge in it as long as the housework is done. i was used to being able to come and go as i pleased. All of a sudden i had to account for my whereabouts, paging him with a certain code when i left the house, got to where i was going, when i left that place and when i arrived back home. At times i would forget one of the pages, and knowing i had disappointed him would throw me into a "tizzy". Even now, knowing i have done something that displeases him will leave me feeling down and blue. He will say "Just don't let it happen again" and i will try my best to be compliant.
During the year i lived on my own, the biggest lesson i learned was patience. Patience was something that i had never really cultivated, i wanted that instant gratification. i learned to think before i spoke, making certain i understood what i was trying to say in a respectful manner. My self-esteem was pretty low, and with my Master's help, love and guidance i have grown into a self-assured woman.
Probably the biggest hurdle to get over was the fact that from the beginning of our relationship, i knew my Master wanted to add another submissive woman to our lives. i would constantly wonder if i was good enough for him and why couldn't i fulfill all of his needs... why did he need another woman? After many months of soul-searching on my part, i accepted the fact that i couldn't be everything he needs, he has enough love and compassion for two women. It took years to find the right woman who would join us in a 24/7 lifestyle.
We now have a loving triad. Yes, it takes a lot of work and open communication to make it successful and that's what keeps it strong. At the beginning i wanted it all, right now... our relationship has grown with time, control being added and lessened as needed. i would ask for more control and he would say "When you're ready for it, it will be there." i'm happy that i have chosen the path of a submissive woman. i am more content than i have ever been.
Written by Randy's treasured angel
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